Daily Inspiration: Opening my Heart

Thursday, December 6, 2012

I am not good at pouring my heart out. In fact, I hate confrontations because I always end up trembling and shaking. And that I don't want to say words I will regret in the end.

I am a kind of person who keeps everything inside my heart until I can't contain it anymore. This time my heart is almost exploding with different emotions I must let go.

My OB said, I have a high tolerance for pain. That I really don't know because I feared Dentist since I was 6  because I fear pain. Motherhood change me a lot and that's absolutely true.

Now, I am torn, stressed and tired. These negative feelings must let go. So please forgive me if I will interrupt our Daily Inspiration for today. I hope you will learn something from this too.

First, I know I am not a perfect daughter. I grew up in a family where the word love is not common. But I am very sure my mother and my late father loves us, equally. It is not my fault if I do good in everything I do because this is what I want to give my parents us an exchange for their hardships and sacrifice to raise me up and my siblings. I can't pay everything they gave us that's why I promise to take care of my mother no matter what.

I promise to give them a good life but things really not meant to be. My father died too soon and my mother got sick. I am always there to help them out financially and emotionally. You don't have the right to tell me that I am selfish because all my life all I want is the best for my family. I am working full time and even part time just to make sure my family will have a good life.

I got married when I was 28. Am selfish that way? I am still here helping my family without you knowing. I am here quietly crying when you are harassing and disrespecting your own mother while she's begging me not to talk to you and fight back. All that I keep to myself. It is hard to pretend that everything is okay when it is not.

I am a mother now and I will never allow this thing to happen between me and my son. I want him to respect and love me. Our mother raised us well so I am wondering what happened to you all because of that damn money.

You accused me of several bad things when in fact these all point out to you. You are living alone because no one wants to live with you. And why? Simply because you are SELFISH and you are so greedy. I am ignoring you for the longest time but everything has to end. 

You keep on cursing me. But I don't fear your words because I have a strong faith in God. I know I am not doing anything bad to you or to anyone else. All we want is for you to change. You keep on saying you don't need us but you always end up eating your own words. I always forgive you and you know that very well. I always open my home to you when you are in need.

Our mother is sick and yet you are just concerned with the money and your self? Our mother deserves to be happy and experience a good life. She's working since she's 16 and now she's 63, don't you think 47 years of hard works is just like that?

I know it is hard to talk to a person who only knows is he is right. Family is more important than money. I will do everything just see our mother happy and that includes seeing you in good condition.

I know you can't read it but I pray that after years of being bitter and selfish, you will find in your heart that we never leave you and that your family will always be here no matter what. Yes you make me mad but at the end of the day, you are still my brother and even if I hate to admit, I don't love you less even with those hurtful words you said.

I am praying that one day we will be a happy family again. END.

Again, I am so sorry for venting out here. I now feel better...