The Wound That Will Never Heal

Monday, July 18, 2016

It’s been two weeks now since my beloved mother left us. I still remember that most painful day in my life.

Early that morning, I woke with an unusual fast beat of my heart. Bigla akong kinabahan. My mother was the first person that came in my mind. I woke up Daddy and told him, “Bakit ganun, hindi na nagugutom si Nanay? Bakit ako na lang ata nagpipilit na kumain sya. Bakit ako na lang may gusto na mabuhay pa sya…”

I realized that I might be the reason why she’s still not leaving us even she’s ready to go. I don’t want her to go because I want her to just stay in my life. I prayed hard and told God that whatever His plan, thy will be done.

Then I went back to sleep and woke up a bit late then I went straight to her room to check her. She was still sleeping, very calmly. I prepared her meal because she’s always the first one to eat and she needed to take her medicine on time.

I woke her up and she opened her eyes, though still looked so sleepy. Then he coughed hard and I calmed her down telling her, “Nanay, kaya nyo yan. Napapagod na ba kayo?” She just made a sound.

She ate two spoonful of her breakfast then she coughed again. This time, it was long with her eyes already half closed. I put her in my arms and let her sit down. Then I looked at the window and opened the curtain.

When the light enter the room, she opened her eyes and made a very deep breath. I thought she was just holding her breath but I was alarmed when she’s not breathing anymore. I called Daddy and he rushed in and handed me the digital BP monitor.

She again made another deep breath still looking at the light. When I took her BP, it’s an error and no heartbeat registered. I tried to wake her up. I shook her. Pumped her chest. But still no heartbeat. She’s gone. She already left us.

I cried until there’s no tears flowing from my eyes. I can’t believe that this is happening. Though I know she will leave us anytime soon still I am not ready to lose my mother. My mother that I have taken care for more than 4 years... My mother whom I get my strength from is now gone.

People around me are comforting and telling me that this is for the better. That my mother loves me so much that she doesn’t want me to suffer anymore. I must admit that taking care for her is not easy but I was fighting for her life.

But no matter how many comforting words I hear, the pain of losing the most important person in my life never goes away. When she left, it also left a wound in my heart that will never heal. I don’t know when I can finally accept that she already left us and she will never be back.

via Pinterest

No more Nanay to greet in the morning and no more Nanay to welcome me after work.  My heart is aching and missing her so much. My life is never the same again. All I can do is trust God this happens for a reason. And pray for for more strength so I can face tomorrow without my Nanay.