Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Today I am Guilty Mom...

I have to warn you guys this post is a little too emotional.

It has been years since I am looking ways to be a work at home mom. It even came to a point when I hated my job already. I got so bored with my everyday work routine that I wish I can just get a job where I can work at home. Yes, all I was thinking then is how can I work from home.

But I have to accept the fact that it isn't possible yet. Financially, we are not ready yet. I am afraid of giving up my current job because I must admit that it helps us a lot with our expenses. Like any parents, I want to give all the best to our son.

So I am a struggling working mom. Each second of my everyday counts. I waste no time because once I get out of my routine, everything will fall off. I need to go to work so early and get back to home before dawn. I am just lucky to have Daddy who helps me the chores by cooking our meals most of the times. Still feeling stressful, I need to attend to the needs of my mother and my son. I need to teach Matthew advance lessons for school. And before I can lay down my aching body on our bed, I still need to finish MTOs and read a bed time story to Matthew. I have no social life other than social media :)

Now this is my guilty story...

Honestly, there are times my stress level is overflowing. I can be like a monster when I reached my limit. Just like this morning. We a rushing to go to work when Matthew is not cooperating. I know I should not be sharing this but believe me you can learn a lesson here.

Matthew is a very helpful boy. He follows routine and it should be followed accordingly. When he wakes up in the morning, Daddy should carry him down the stairs. They will prepare his baon and drinks. Matt will ask for his Milo drink to give him his champion moments. He will sit with us on our table, while Daddy and I are eating our breakfast. He will not eat yet, he is just there to drink his Milo.

After eating, he will get my tooth brush from Daddy and hand it over to me. He will wait for me to finish brushing and he will give my tooth brush to Daddy. He will also give vitamin C to his Daddy and his lola's medicine. You see he is such a helpful boy.

It won't stop there. He will get our shoes and my socks. He will put foot powder inside my socks. And this morning, I failed to let him help me to put powder inside my socks. He flared up and cried. I flared up too when I couldn't stop him from crying... And since we are already rushing to work and we are already late, I impatiently get my slippers and hit him on his legs. That made him cry more so I told him to enter inside the room so we can talk. I hit him once again, and asked him to cry more. Then he stopped crying.

I took a deep breath... Asked him to stand in front of me and asked him what he can get from crying when he couldn't get what he wants. He answered me with "wala po Mommy." Then he hugged me and I said sorry.

We went out because Daddy is already waiting inside the car. He kissed me again and said he will get big stars so will buy him pasalubong. I told him, just behave well and he will get pasalubong. He acts as if nothing happened. I hugged him once more hope the guilt and pain in my heart will disappear.

It kills me thinking I hurt him and he still loves me. When I look at his face, I can not see any anger, only love and understanding.

I know I should not hurt him because he just want to help. But I am just human who also lose control of the situation. I know this cannot justify the fact that I hurt my son. I showed him I am angry like a monster. I really tried to do my best not hurt him because in the end, I am the loser. I am the most guilty mom. And my heart is broken, no... It is crushed!

That's why today I am a guilty mom. I am hurting...
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