If you are in a relationship, this is something worth reading for :)
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“Men always want to be a
woman’s first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be
a man’s last romance.” Oscar Wilde
I would like to share these
thoughts on love and marriage that came out of a discussion with my girlfriends
one night over a few glasses of wine. I was philosophizing about my husband and
I arriving at our first ‘7 year itch’ milestone. In my previous long term
relationship that started in high school and lasted all the way through college
(amazingly) it was very nearly dead on the 7 year mark that the itch was
scratched and I can tell you being in love is wonderful, but by goodness love hurts
when it suddenly becomes unrequited.
What
Is The ‘7-year Itch’ The ‘itch’ refers to a metaphorical struggle between
resisting temptation and thereby remaining faithful or giving into the
temptation of an extra-marital affair.
Marilyn
personified The phrase ‘7
Year Itch’ has been around a long time in the US but became entrenched in
our vernacular in 1955 when Marilyn Monroe appeared in a film by the same name.
The iconic image of Marilyn standing over a grate in a white dress blowing up
past her knees while the star did her best to hold it down (without moving off
the grate) symbolizes the essence of the ‘7 year itch’ – a struggle between
pleasure and pain!
This
is a summary of our thoughts on love:
1.
Prioritize the relationship:
Hollywood movies generate
misconceptions about relationships. Recognize and release your misconceptions
about love, romance and marriage from the unrealistic Hollywood stereotype – where
boy meets girl and they live happily ever after.
Hollywood does not reflect
the real world where we live. Individuals do get old, wrinkly, fat and/or
boring and we must deal with real-life issues like money worries, health
scares, annoying in-laws, horrific traffic jams, job loss and other stressful
situations.
In our real world it is
important to make time for each other and prioritize the relationship without
going overboard. Balance is the key – couples should neither be joined at the
hip or ships in the night. It is important for couples to pursue individual
interests and share common interests (other than the house and children)
because that creates external friendships, an interesting and stimulating
dynamic for you and models best practice for your children.
2.
Awareness:
It is vital to be aware of 3
things: Self, partner and relationship. Firstly, be self-aware of all of the
characteristics and traits that make you who you are and be honest! What are
some of the things that people typically compliment or criticize you on?
Secondly, do the same for
your partner – write down a list if you like. Thirdly, reflect on what
attracted you to each other in the beginning. Once again write it down because
inevitably the very thing that brings you together could potentially drive a
wedge between you as well. It may be that you were attracted to your partner
because he was so extroverted and generous -but now that you have two children,
a mortgage and work full-time you can’t stand the fact that he wants to entertain
his friends every weekend.
Awareness may just save you
or your partner straying or moving on after 7 years.
3.
Respect and Understanding:
It is vital to respect your
partner, the marriage and the institution of marriage. All relationships are
hard work but anything that is worthwhile does require effort and sacrifice. My
girlfriends emphasized accepting that the best relationships are built upon
some level of compromise.
My married friends have all,
at some point in their marriage, read the book (“Men are from Mars and Women
are from Venus”) by the relationship counselor, John Gray. What I took away
from this interesting discussion was that it is important to remember that
there are fundamental biological differences between men and women that affect our
outlook on everything from romance and intimacy to child rearing and careers.
I highly recommend you read
up on the differences between the sexes – the revelations may explain a lot
about the ‘7 year itch’. Oscar Wilde’s quote above sums it up nicely.
4.
Communication:
Talking and actively
listening to each other is the key to long-term marriage survival. Share humor,
feelings, needs, concerns, highs and lows and be prepared to listen to your
partner. Women have quite a reputation for providing too much detail whilst
‘talking’ and offering unsolicited advice to men.
Women on the other hand,
consider men to lack emotional intelligence (such as empathy and sensitivity)
and communication skills. Our different biological roles have created barriers
to good communication. Is it any wonder we have trouble understanding each
other?
My girlfriends swear that
planning is a great strategy for keeping the marriage on track. They advised me
to develop short-term and long-term goals that reflect our combined interests
and aspirations. They recommended that I seek out a relationship counselor if I
ever feel that the relationship has become dysfunctional. I can imagine that
this would be a good investment of time and money.
Intimacy:
Last but not least, my
girlfriends warned me that intimacy is the litmus test of how healthy my
marriage is. Intimacy provides warmth, security, and of course, sexual
intimacy. So, if couples are aware, respectful, communicating and prioritizing
the relationship, intimacy will be a natural and inevitable by-product.
Affection is transmitted
through consideration, tactile contact, verbal and non-verbal gestures.
Intimacy is often dependent on women feeling emotionally secure – so the more
that the other factors are taken care of the more likely intimacy will happen.
I am so glad that my friends shared their combined thoughts on love and
marriage with me. I don’t want anything to derail the most significant
relationship in my life. Maybe, I’ll report back in a year’s time when I’m out
the other side of the ‘7 year itch’ cycle!
Author
Bio
Mary sees that an
understanding and an awareness of the human condition is key to life. With all
the study she has now done, she has found much solace in the work published on
the World
Transformation Movement website by biologist Jeremy Griffith who has
published an essay titled What Is Love? These rational ideas have allowed her
to bring all her research and theories together.
